I have received threats from terrorists (they claim to operating anonymously from within our Campus) that say I will be sentenced to 365 days of non-stop mind-draining Bukede TV if I don't revive scripting! Well, these threats weren't directly aimed at me but they threaten those that have fallen prey to doing nothing. So I have indeed picked the arms up and come to save souls?
There will be only one service today; all believers are supposed to come to church dressed in green or nothing. Should you find yourself with a bald head, don't hesitate to put oil unto it - we might need more vivid means of reflection that what the summons can provide. No offertory, only Offertory please! Your presence might also not bless the event, but should you fail to make it to this service, you will be locked outside the gates of … and I will be there to hand you the only surviving bottle of Vodka!
"Shsh! Stop ogling that woman's thigh, the priest is seeing you!", "No, it's not the woman's thigh that am looking at, she's wearing my belt, I forgot to pick it up when I we last met in Senate's printing room , she'd promised to help me clear for my transcripts next week". You guys are serious? It actually turns out church is going to be more fun that I thought, so let's get started…
It's been 4 years, for some 5 others 8 or more for the few unlucky ones that couldn't correctly define the concept "beautiful insanity" in terms of lines and tones or "alkalines" and "ketones"! Regardless of where you're from, or what blackboards you've faced, the time has finally come for us to bid farewell to this gReAT inStiTutTion called Makerere (well, incase you plan on cheating the rest of them by sneaking back in - I hear for the sake of Head Damages or similar stuff, then pretend you're still leaving, right?).
The times might have appeared like a day for some, while for others it definitely was dinosaur years. Personally, campus has been a sweet experience with only one thing missing - there were no jungle-jackfruit hacking experiences unlike my time in the seven years of primary school. It has been a time to unravel the occult secrets of deceptive professors with heavy rimmed specs and pancake wrappers filled with chalk and mathematical formulas scribbled onto their necks! University is indeed it's own sort of "universe", but people, this is for some of us the last semester in this great institution, so how do we leave? What do we take back home?
This place, this place!
"They arrived vertical, they leave horizontal!", at some point during the many centuries at campus, I heard this line being recounted right before the last coin in my pocket went into the offertory basket for the last time.
Make enemies! Friends make enemies! Worry not, you'll know why later on. If it's drinking that you like, there is a small hill that most of you never visited. This hill, somewhere near the vet research fields(?) is home to some of the hugest (I always doubted my "thank u teacher" when they taught us that word) water tanks on the intellectual hill. The water is their in plenty, and there's more than just water - the folks from Kikoni that pass by tell me the place has beings you only see by what they speak! Haven't heard that we have haunted places on Campus - Mary Stuart, Nsibirwa, Main Library, ... ? One of my fantasies as I sat doing my homework those days was to be a ghost hunter! Interestingly, there are ghosts I get to hunt these days in form of 0-byte files that appear and disappear from one directory into the other as I chase them around on my disk drive using Ill-commented hexes written in C! What's your fantasy, what have you done about it, what can you do about it in this remaining time?
"You will be fishers of men!" so said the GREat TEAcher! So what they've decided to do is to craft nets of all kinds. People are busy looking for the next successful means of harvesting the last one of us out of the wilderness. They've made fishing paraphernalia in many forms and with many facets - lawsuits, medical prescriptions, insurance packages, house mortgages, loans, fashion lines, pork joints, … not to forget the extra-micro miniskirt with oiled thighs and the obvious old-time winner, the offertory basket!
So what fishing tools have you devised while at the university? Or if you can't devise one, which one have you mastered to use? "The answer lies deep in your heart" sings the wise fisherman-disguised as the savior's voice.
What is university supposed to be like? How are we supposed to leave? Or are we meant not to LIVE?
You might be one of those that are going to miss the unrivalled opportunity of being able to afford a "decent" meal at only 200sh (please try to visit KK aka Kikumi-Kikumi before you become outlawed for adventuring to one of those Mama Baby tables after a long days work - incase you didn't know, Wandegeya has them too , so don't be envious of them when they say "Shall we eat from Wandegeya Tonight?"). This is the last sem friends, so make it or break it.
"It must be a 4.99 or you wont step in this home ever again!". Are you one of those that are under this spell? Have you lived all your sleepless campus nights trying to defy this sort of threat? Well, rest assured that mathematics comes to save the day - you are free to always round off to the next figure or value so long as you customize your definition of approximation, thus 4.99 would be a 5 to the next whole number or a 2.50009 a 5 to the next 5! So don't worry, you can unpack all your arsenal (brain power, eye power, thigh power, dollar power, prayer power, food power, gin power, pakalast, …) and head for the fight -if it is a 4.99 we ought to bring home, then 4.99 it must be, by hook or cook!
Any beautiful memories of the past 4 years that I can share with you? Yes, there's been crazy things that I've seen over my 4 years at Makerere , from recursive "nights in the trees" as some bozo drilled the infamous Kandahars of unsuspecting fresh braids & jeans to whispers of suicide within the corridors of the Ivory Tower, but that will be another sermon, another service, so please collect all you have and bring to the altar in form of cyber offertory! The service has come to and end.
If you start making friends, then you start making enemies by not making friends! Make no enemies! Friends make no enemies! It's a small world (well, unless you plan to make it to Mars or the Singularity - 2012, 2045 are both near!)
